(needs to be updated)

MÍNG
OH.

GUANG
Míng?

MÍNG
OH.

GUANG
Míng?

MÍNG
ORANGE.

GUANG
OH!

MÍNG
ORANGES STRAIGHT FROM THE TREE.
NEVER GET SICK OF THE SOUR OR THE SWEET OF

GUANG
Míng?

MÍNG
ORANGE.

GUANG
Míng.

(GUANG’s dance gets sexy. BOSS’ WIFE enters the Happy Dragon kitchen.)

MÍNG, BOSS’ WIFE & GUANG
ORANGE

BOSS’ WIFE
BEEF.

BOSS’ WIFE
MOO.

GUANG & MÍNG
MOO?

GUANG & MÍNG
OH.

(MARCO enters. GUANG gives him the phone, trying to escape BOSS’ WIFE, who searches for ingredients, cleaver in hand.)

MARCO
Oye, Orange Beef.
Tu órden está allí. (Translation) Listen, Orange Beef. Your order’s here.

GUANG & MÍNG
ORANGE.

BOSS’ WIFE
We’re short a delivery man.

GUANG
Wait! Espera! Can’t you see? My hands are sort of...

MARCO & BOSS’ WIFE
ORANGE?

GUANG
full.

MARCO
But the Boss’ Wife is short a / bull!

BOSS’ WIFE
(Raising the cleaver) Bull!

GUANG
Shh, Míng está aquí with / me. (Translation) Ming’s here with me.

MARCO
Míng’s ten thousand miles away,
orange beefing someone else,
making

BOSS’ WIFE & MARCO
moo

MÍNG, GUANG & BOSS’ WIFE
ORANGE

BOSS’ WIFE
BEEF.

MÍNG
MOO?

MARCO
another / Wáng Yuè!

GUANG
Wáng Yuè is enough for us! You’re jealous, and a liar / too.

(BOSS’ WIFE plunges the cleaver into a wood block. Other restaurant sounds seep in and grow. MARCO assists BOSS’ WIFE, passing her ingredients.)

BOSS’ WIFE
Too tasty. Our customers desire / you!

GUANG
You’ll see, Wáng Yuè’ll go to Yale, buy this place, / and fire you.

MARCO
And fire you, ‘cause I speak English mejor que / tú. (Translation) better than you.

(GUANG tries to keep dancing with MÍNG. BOSS’ WIFE cooks.)

GUANG
Today I’ll bring the beef home,
sugar, stuff the dough in my shoe,
win enough at the casino, flower,
in an hour or two

BOSS’ WIFE
BEEF,
SUGAR, DOUGH,
FLOUR,

MARCO & MÍNG
ORANGE.

(SNAKEHEAD enters, so GUANG must do a quick u-turn.)

GUANG
to pay the / fat

MARCO & BOSS’ WIFE
FAT!

GUANG
snakehead I owe.

MARCO
/ Who?

SNAKEHEAD
Me. I’m a snakehead. Make my bank account grow!
I need a

SNAKEHEAD, MÍNG & GUANG
BIG CASH DELIVERY –

GUANG
FROM MY FAMILY

SNAKEHEAD, MÍNG & GUANG
ONE HUNDRED TWENTY THOUSAND DOLLARS

GUANG
THAT BROUGHT MY NEPHEW AND ME
ACROSS THE SEA.

SNAKEHEAD
Yes! Fatten all of these cattle up
with money, then send those
greenbacks to me and my honey!

MÍNG
Mmmm...
money’s delicious.
Mmmmy honey’s
delicious.

(GUANG’s dance becomes cow-like. BOSS’ WIFE is searching for the final ingredient. GUANG tries to escape her.)

MARCO
Guey: (Translation) Dude:
this snakehead, this smuggler, this piece of shit
who sent you and your nephew here in a container ship –
you and your family owe this ugly, empty, lousy thug
a hundred twenty thousand bucks?
Tú estás fucked! (Translation) You are fucked!

GUANG
We’ve paid ‘im forty thousand,

MARCO
But you owe ‘im eighty yet?!

SNAKEHEAD, BOSS’ WIFE, MARCO & MÍNG
You better get back to work so you can pay that debt!

GUANG
Míng!

(BOSS’ WIFE catches GUANG. Sounds crescendo.)

BOSS’ WIFE
Batter ‘n flour you,
shake, spatter ‘n shower you
with fat, fry you up,
take you out, shh, now relax
under the heat lamp,
while we feed you extra sauce
to keep your orange feet damp.
Fat American dudes
love fake Chinese food,
so there’s a line outside the door for

SNAKEHEAD, GUANG, MARCO & MÍNG
ORANGE.
ORANGE.
ORANGE.
ORANGE.

(BOSS’ WIFE cooks GUANG.)

GUANG
YES! MÍNG, I’M YOUR

MÍNG
OH!

SNAKEHEAD, GUANG, MÍNG, MARCO & BOSS’ WIFE
ORANGE

SNAKEHEAD, GUANG, MARCO & BOSS’ WIFE
BEEF!

MÍNG
OH!

GUANG
MOO.